SURPRISE!

I have a secret...I do not deal very well with surprises...good, bad or indifferent. I have a well ordered world in my head which includes a calendar and a time table. I guess I am kinda OCD to a certain extent. Anything that knocks the schedule in my head out of whack gives me anxiety (most ppl don't see that because I have become pretty good at concealing it on the outside but in my head I am screaming). That is why I ask my husband ahead of time about his travel schedule...if he plans on being at home or if he has places to be...there are times when he has a last minute trip he has to make. I can deal with those for the most part unless we had something planned and it is 'written' on my 'mind calendar'...then I have to rearrange things in my head. This does cause a small spike in my anxiety until I get it all settled. It is also why I make out weekly homework plans for my kids from their teachers' web pages...so I know what is going on when and what is due and what they might need some help with.

TJ has gotten better about arranging things with me as far in advance as he can. Bethany, on the other hand, is one big anxiety for me. She does not keep track of things. She doesn't pay attention. And I am really beginning to believe that her doctor was right and she does have a significant case of ADHD and should be on meds for it.

One thing I did for myself a long time ago to help be prepared for situations and stave off 'surprise' anxiety was to keep a box of school project supplies. I learned that from being a teacher because there was always a kid or two that didn't have what they needed. This box has saved me MANY times from bouts of anxiety. This morning was one such time.

Ms. Divine's science teacher had in her lesson plans that they had rocket supplies due today. I asked her about it on Monday. She was vague and acted like she had no idea. On Tuesday I asked her again...she just shrugged. On Wednesday she said she would find the paper...she didn't. So, this morning, while she was eating breakfast I asked her AGAIN, since it was supposed to be DUE today. She produced a paper from her backpack for me with a list of supplies: paper towel tube, piece of strong cardboard, hot glue sticks (and glue gun if possible), 3-5 rubber bands, plastic easter egg, straw, and plastic grocery bag. I just gave her a dirty look then put all this stuff into a bag...plus a few extras for other kids that didn't have any of their supplies of the day. The only thing I didn't have extra of was the paper towel tube and I told Bethany if she had given me the list even LAST NIGHT I would have had extras of those but I had put them in the garbage and the garbage men had picked it up already.

She did the same thing with me about information concerning a field trip they took to a play on Thursday. Actually, if it hadn't been for her friend Amy coming over after newspaper on Wednesday night and staying for dinner, I probably wouldn't have gotten ANY information.

I have always tried to be prepared. When I am not, it causes the anxiety (which is bad enough) but then the anxiety is always followed by depression. The anxiety I can work through...the depression is like trying to swim through congealed gelatin. I hate it.

I have taken the time to get to know how my kids are and anticipating things. When they were small I would carry things with me at all times that I know they would like and anticipate hunger or boredom (the hunger made them cranky and the boredom made them hyper...both of which would make ME anxious). While Troy always told me I was being pessimistic by thinking through everything and even being prepared for the worst case scenarios I just told him I wanted to be prepared. He wanted to argue with me about it. One day I sat him down and explained to him that surprises gave me anxiety...anxiety led to depression and I was just anticipating as many situations as I could in my head so that I could deal with it without the anxiety...it was my own type of survival. Once I explained that to him, he quit arguing with me about it.

Trying to avoid anxiety is why whenever we moved to a new place I studied road maps and got out and explored. Having some of the same rituals for me and the kids always made things seem a little more settled...such as finding the town library and getting library cards...and when I unpacked things I always place certain appliances on the counters and then certain things just naturally got put into cupboards near those appliances. Troy and the kids then would know which cupboard to open to find certain things and did not have to 'explore'.

And that is PART of what makes me tick in a nutshell. If I don't get my daughter's ADHD under control...she is going to continually amp up my anxiety!